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Quips, queries, and querulous quibbles from the quirky mind of Don Kahle

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What’s All The FFFFUFFF About?

April 29th, 2010 by dk

It’s time once again for Fifth Friday Footnotes, Follow-Ups and Far-Flung Fripperies, or if you’re texting to somebody under 30, “FFFFUFFF.”

• Why do people jaywalk more when the sun comes out?

• Kudos to UO President Richard Lariviere for consistently using the term “entertainment business” when talking about intercollegiate athletics. He reframes the discussion without casting aspersions. I’ll bet he would add sequins to his fedora if he believed it would somehow help the Ducks win.

• Are aspersions ever distributed any other way? Or are they always cast?

• Which is more cruel — four straight rainy days in May or four straight sunny days in February?

• I’m one of the few who looks at the logo for Lane Transit District and can’t help but see the abbreviation for “limited.” Probably good for LTD that there aren’t many of us.

• antiversary, n. – a day set aside annually to mark the end of something significant

• If you beg for mercy you risk receiving pity in its place.

• Life is a game of inches unless and until you go over the edge.

• Half of us are below average.

• Does any place scatter showers better than Oregon?

• I read with interest about the Harrisburg couple who won the lottery and promptly disconnected their phone. Winning a bunch of money might be fun, but disconnecting the phone sounds positively thrilling.

• I’m always looking for refreshing responses to the vapid greeting “How are you?” I absently posed that query to Jack Joyce, owner of Rogue Ales, researching my defense of April foolery rogues. His response: “Opinions differ.”

• Happy people don’t need to have fun.

• Mike Bellotti leaves the Ducks for ESPN with $2.3 million in his pocket (and he keeps his phone connected.) I wonder why nobody defended the expense (paid by donors) thusly. Our Guy will now be paid (paltrily) by the nation’s premiere sports broadcast outlet. He will speak to viewers, coaches, players and recruits about college football. Why wouldn’t we want him saying wonderful things about the Ducks? How much did we spend on that Times Square billboard? Bellotti could be a walking billboard for the Ducks — with a press pass and no NCAA recruiting restrictions. I’m no expert in this entertainment business, but it seems like a good investment to me.

• If California votes to legalize and tax marijuana, prepare for the next human wave from the south. Oregon’s sales-tax-free Nirvana will look even better to the counterculture types.

• You know what almost never jumps on a bandwagon anymore? A band.

• Who coined the term “spare time?” As if you can store chronological leftovers.

• A poultry company should sell dried wishbones, three to a pack. Any kid will tell you — the wishbone is to a turkey what the prize is to a Cracker Jack.

• Camouflage undershirts make no sense. Unless you’re hiding from yourself.

• Am I the only one who now gets confused heading north to Gateway when Exit 194B exits before Exit 194A? The flyover is very Jetsons, regardless.

• When you change a paving surface from cement to asphalt, neighbors will report that the traffic noise has lessened. Change it from asphalt to cement, and they’ll report the same thing. The noise from each surface is at a different pitch, so the change is welcomed as an improvement. There’s a lesson there.

• It Says Something About You But I Don’t Know What if you stare and wait for the microwave to complete the final seconds of a randomly programmed reheating task.

• Oregon road repair signs should now read, “Rich people’s tax dollars at work.” It’s the least we can do.

• Only in Eugene do we wonder what’s the plural of Prius? Prii? Priora? I passed three in the Bijou parking lot and asked my companion to pretend we were strangers so it would look like we carpooled to get to the movie.

• Whenever I try to put two and two together, I’m reminded that math wasn’t my best subject.

• A certain pizza chain is promoting its take-home casseroles featuring “restaurant-quality pasta.” You know home cooking is a forgotten art when restaurants give up claiming it.

• Resolved, to see and say “galore” more.


Don Kahle ( writes a weekly column for The Register-Guard and blogs

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