What’s All the FFFFUFFF About?

Fifth Friday footnotes, follow-ups and far-flung fripperies:

• Did our Good Friday holiday tradition develop our appetite for three-day weekends?

• Speaking of sacrificial lambs, the U.S. Postal Service could improve their austerity plan by curtailing service on Wednesdays instead of Saturdays. Americans would embrace Hump Day as midweek’s almost-holiday, nobody would go 72 hours without mail service, Saturday errand lists wouldn’t change, and weekend volume from Netflix would continue.

• Memo to Congress: When the Post Office tells you you’re moving too slowly, something’s wrong.

• Too many people need more comfort than comfort food can provide.

• Knowing the answer is seldom a substitute for asking the question.

• When did piety gain its ism?

• How did sneakers become a consumable? Have you ever tried to eat a shoe?

• Here’s a simple solution to help along the gun control debate. Give every registered gun owner a 100 percent tax credit for gun lock purchases and a 50 percent tax credit for a gun safe purchase. Police departments should give away gun locks the way Planned Parenthood distributes condoms.

• Some days I’m not so much accomplishing tasks as outlasting their need to be done.

• Accept this truth. After you’ve been told no, you’re exactly as far from getting your request as you were before you asked.

• I’m sure somebody benefits more than me from downtown Eugene’s free two-hour parking, but I haven’t met that person yet.

• People who grocery shop early in the day are happier than the rest of us. Their cupboard is never bare, not even for a few afternoon hours. They’re also thinner.

• If glass is technically considered a liquid, I say flour should be technically considered a gas.

• I’m slowly learning to look inside myself and replace triggers and switches with levers and dials. I react less and regulate more.

• If God intended more people to go to church, he wouldn’t have made the Sunday newspaper so large.

• We live our lives so distractedly now that when somebody gives us their undivided attention, we feel uncomfortable. And yet we still crave it.

• You can tell how old somebody feels by how many synonyms they use for “hurt.”

• I don’t think it’s my imagination that commercial pilots have stopped telling us when to look out the window to see the sights below. Now we fly like sullen tweens, lost in our book or game or thoughts, not to be disrupted. Are we no longer in awe, or have airlines determined that any sight viewable from only one side will just make the other side resentful?

• If you can’t be on time, be worth the wait.

• Did you know that Rep. Peter DeFazio has more seniority in the U.S. House of Representatives than all but 21 of his 434 colleagues?

• Be conservative with calculations, but liberal with condiments.

• Meaning grows easily when we hold it lightly. It becomes static when it feels possessed.

• Just once I’d like to run out of chips and salsa at the same time. Just once.

• I feel a vague discomfort when my modern devices reset themselves for Daylight Saving Time without my assistance, permission, or knowledge.

• Upon reflection, the wondrous innovation that accompanies the diagnosis of a terminal illness — “teaching a carton of milk to read its own expiration date” — has a sad progenitor: capital punishment. Do hospice workers pull shifts on death row? If not, they should.

• Some of us work hard only because we don’t wait well.

• How have pocket knives suddenly become allowable to carry on planes? Have all flight attendants completed secret Ninja training? Or was the restriction silly from the start?

• The trick is to feel fear before choosing whether or not to obey it.

• I admit that I get H-1B guest worker visas and H2N3 bird flu confused. Maybe I’m not the only one. Admitting more high-tech engineers from foreign countries won’t make us sick.

• I feel better when I know an avocado is ripening nearby.

• When you’re inside a bubble, everything goes in circles.

• I don’t dress for success. If people are noticing my clothing, I haven’t succeeded yet.

• We will rue the day when we begin ruing anything else.


Don Kahle (fridays@dksez.com) writes a column each Friday for The Register-Guard and blogs.