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Quips, queries, and querulous quibbles from the quirky mind of Don Kahle

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Spare Sunday Sagacities

August 2nd, 2022 by dk

Old habits die hard, except the ones that don’t die at all. For the last 15 years, I’ve been offering you Fifth Friday Footnotes, Follow-Ups, and Far-Flung Fripperies. Before that, it was a decade of Quips, Queries, and Querulous Quibbles. Here now, without apologies or improvements, Spare Sunday Scraps, Syllogisms, and Superfluous Sagacities:

• The Downtown Riverfront Festival was lovely. Too bad they didn’t just reclaim it as the Eugene Celebration.

• Checkout people are either friendly or fast. I wish they wore different colored hats.

• President Biden was born before the last four occupants of the Oval Office, dating back to 1993.

• I want to be useful, but not used up.

• My accountant had a wild plan, but I talked him off that ledger.

• How come we don’t use “how come” anymore to ask why?

• I’m lactose tolerant.

• Envy blocks happiness.

• Imagine the bad luck our country would have if the 4th of July ever landed on a Friday the 13th.

• At what point did anyone believe that Donald Trump was hinged?

• How do we keep our own comfort from disempowering our calls for change?

• Don’t you hate it when you aim for the indescribable and only achieve the remarkable?

• Regarding the recent SCOTUS ruling, a confusion: Is it “Roe VEE Wade” or “Roe VERSUS Wade”?

• It doesn’t matter whether you row or wade if the safe shore feels too far away.

• Twenty-three—year-old: “Do you know about TikTok?” Me: “I’m old, not dead.”

• Sadness and unhappiness are not the same.

• I can’t remember my last gambit.

• I don’t always want what I want to want.

• Which cooking utensil do you consistently use the most?

• What would it take for every Internet button labeled “SUBMIT” to be replaced with something less foreboding?

• How did mothers get their babies to spoon feed before there were airplanes?

• With every hook and line, get a sinker free!

• Early adopters aren’t allowed to keep their children forever.

• Anything that stays the same is slowly getting worse.

• Why is my podiatrist’s office on the second floor?

• Life begins at conception and ends at target practice.

• Eugene has more skybridges than escalators. That must mean something.

• Mean girls are average. Same with boys.

• Defense attorneys and copy editors both aim for shorter sentences.

• At a coffee shop entrance: “If unvaxxed, please mask.” Subtext: We’d rather not kill you. This seems about right.

• Our mothers loved us, but they overdid the “stranger danger” lesson.

• Most of us grew up hearing “waste not, want not” or “easy come, easy go.” Never both.

• Track stars obsess over measurements. No wonder so many are measured.

• If happiness equates with stability and sameness, I’ve probably disqualified myself.

• Will the metaverse come slowly or all at once? What good might come if a significant few of us refused in advance to participate?

• I really only want to make a difference. And I don’t mean that in the yearbooky sort of way. Using the last bit of shampoo in a bottle makes me feel accomplished.

• Self-immolation is bad but self-preservation can be worse because it’s unending.

• I had a fever dream that Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos combined visions. An electric fleet delivers the Washington Post, Whole Foods milk, and your daily mail every morning before dawn.

• Most of what we call empathy is its opposite — unconscious projection.

• Most utopias are ruined for me by utopians.

• We replaced handshakes with elbow bumps around the same time we stopped sneezing into our hands. We should have changed either but not both.

• Why is POSTED the largest portion of most No Trespassing signs?

• Beauty is not created. It emerges.

• Who discovered the unnerving versatility of “We apologize for the inconvenience”?

• Liberals should fly American flags and welcome the confusion.


Don Kahle ( writes a column each Wednesday and Sunday for The Register-Guard and archives past columns at

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