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Masks Could Offer Promotion Opportunities

October 15th, 2021 by dk

Our never-ending mask hysteria has convinced me that we’re doing it wrong. We’d rather fight one another than join in common cause against the virus. If only we had admitted that from the start, thousands of lives could have been saved.

We were told from the start that wearing masks would save lives. We quickly sorted ourselves into those who were willing to obey edicts from experts and those who would rather do their own “research.”

Bare-faced “researchers” became heroic symbols of personal freedom — like riding a motorcycle without a helmet, eschewing seatbelts, eating undercooked beef, or urinating in the cereal aisle at grocery store with no public bathroom. Freedom is as freedom does!

You might argue that protecting yourself and others is more important than wantonly exercising freedom whenever and wherever the urge strikes. But protection isn’t important to Americans. Protection matters to those sissies in Europe. They’re the ones who didn’t get on a boat to bring forth a new nation. They stayed home where everything was safe and protected.

Speaking of missing the boat, we told Americans the wrong story about masks from the start. Americans care less about protection than about promotion. We should have sold masks as bumper stickers for the face. We wear our hearts on our sleeves, so why not speak our minds on our mouths?

Recognizing our entrenched tribalism, political parties should have churned out red and blue (and green) masks for their supporters to wear. Corporations would have quickly gotten into the act. Every large company loves a promotional campaign that will be in — or at least on — your face.

Imagine what clever messaging could be sold to customers with every purchase. I said once that bicycle commuting would gain popularity in Eugene if bikes had more bumper sticker space. I once tried encouraging neighbors to place bumper stickers on their curbside trash containers. I never considered we could add messaging to our actual faces!

We wear brand names across our chests and think nothing of it. Girls wear sweatpants with brand names emblazoned across their backsides. Football fans wear team logo decals on their (other) cheeks on Game Day. Are you telling me these Americans wouldn’t gladly plaster something across their face? Of course they would.

Remember when Market of Choice upset many when they deemed “Black Lives Matter” as too political to be worn by its workers? They all wear Market of Choice shirts. Surely they could fit “Food for the way you live”® on masks provided to every employee.

Here Comes Trudy in Springfield made headlines by refusing to obey Oregon mask mandates. They could have gotten the same satisfaction on a mask instead of without one. Something like: “I’m wearing this mask in case Gov. Brown can read lips.” See how easy this could have been?

Mask wearers are sometimes accused of virtue-signaling. Why leave these things open to interpretation? Whole Foods could be selling masks that say, “I’m better than you.” Americans love fighting words! This better solution could have been under (or over) our noses all along.


Don Kahle ( writes a column each Friday for The Register-Guard and archives past columns at

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