Fifth Friday footnotes, follow-ups and far-flung fripperies:
- An occasional “slipper day” can be nice. “Slipper months” — not so much.
- My friend made this observation: “Some states are just too dense to avoid COVID-19, especially the sparsely populated ones.”
- If President Trump offered to sell off the postal service, who would outbid Amazon’s Jeff Bezos?
- You know anxiety is in the air when you worry that your croutons may be getting stale.
- People have stopped using their voices. I think I understand why. When the TV’s on, why interrupt people who are more articulate and handsome?
- Overeating is more fun than eating.
- A friend asked me to go to a protest in his place. I was a stand-in at a sit-in.
- We overvalue excellence and efficiency. We undervalue inclusion and authenticity.
- Why hasn’t anyone designed earbuds that double as earrings?
- Reading fiction builds empathy.
- Courage first requires admitting how long things take.
- If five guys walk into a Five Guys, do they get a secret discount on their burgers? They should.
- Make a recipe immediately after it intrigues you, or you probably never will.
- How often is conformity mistaken for excellence?
- Thanks, Maureen Dowd, for this one: “isolationship.”
- During difficult times, the people will always raise their vices.
- Let bygones be bygones, but not while they’re still bygoing.
- Self-sufficiency was never more than half true.
- You go to the kitchen not with the pasta you want. You go with the pasta you have.
- Are you getting tired of looking at bookcases behind talking heads, showing us how smart they are?
- Watching a movie, set in San Francisco, I wondered why no tech billionaires except Marc Benioff have built prominent skyscrapers. Every wide shot of the city’s skyline reminded me of his company, Salesforce.
- The greater good is both.
- Would things be better or worse if the invading virus had infected every computer chip instead, shutting down all machine communications?
- Our systems force shock or stasis. All defenses align against incremental change.
- Introverts were social distancing before social distancing was cool.
- I wish I could reprogram my smoke alarm, replacing its “Fire!” alert with “Mmm. Fried food! Maybe a little overdone … but still, yum!”
- We’ve been testing fate for years, so why are we surprised when there’s suddenly a shortage of testing kits?
- America to Coronavirus: “Take my life and liberty, but not my pursuit of happiness.”
- With infections and unemployment skyrocketing, government should just ban skyrockets. Problem solved. You’re welcome.
- Do people fret anymore? (Maybe that’s the problem.)
- I don’t remember the question, but the answer is thicker socks.
- Americans don’t question authority as much as they think they do. Those annoying “Do Not Remove” tags on pillows and upholstery? That warning was for retailers, not for you.
- Popcorn is not a crummy snack. No crumbs.
- Two activities we prefer to describe in the passive voice: haircuts and marriages. Make of this what you will.
- Once chocolate cake was invented, how did any other desserts survive?
- When it’s walls versus barbarians, history doesn’t favor walls.
- How much middle of a toothpick is absolutely necessary?
- I miss precedented times, when we were in charted territory.
- Are you a literalist or a lateralist? Do you prefer things to be straight ahead or does sideways motion interest you more?
- Who has the last remaining kitchen appliance colored either avocado, harvest gold or burnt umber?
- Multi-tasking is overrated. It keeps most from actually tasking.
- I marvel at the elegant engineering of a weed-whacker. The name is clumsier than the machine.
- For long-time residents, the Black Lives Matter protests started off confusing. When we protested against clearcuts, BLM stood for the bad guys — Bureau of Land Management.
- What are the French trying to tell us? Their word for Warning is “Avertissement.”
- I hate it when I’m a day late to an avocado.
- I haven’t set my phone’s ringer on vibrate for seven months. So there’s that.
- “All Lives Matter” is the goal. “Black Lives Matter” is the next step toward that goal.
- Let bygones be bygones, but not while they’re still bygoing.
- The insufferable seem to know everything except that they are.
- Who teaches tech support to add “for me” to every directive? And to begin some instructions with “Let’s go ahead and ….” ?
- Arranged marriages are back! In place of parents and tribal elders, we now entrust our familial future to dating site algorithms.
- How many disposable masks have you not disposed?
- Have the designers and practitioners of hospice care ever received a Nobel Prize? If not, why not?
- If you insist on things being black or white, you won’t have much use for gray matter.
- Is there anything that doesn’t sound better to many people when the prefix “eco-” is added?
- I feel poor only when I have no leftovers in the fridge.
- What is Division Street dividing?
- When we separated algebra from geometry, we divided truth and beauty. Bad move. Elegant solutions must seek both.
- Now is the time to articulate a better future — before it’s too late.
- I think the Coronavirus will end up having less impact on us than our stubborn belief that it will have none.
- Twelve minutes, in and out of Costco, parking included, on the weekend. Where’s my medal?
- Being a disaster victim during a time of universal tumult is like having your birthday on Dec. 24. Hardly anyone seems to notice.
- With several months of practice, we’re all learning to recognize the distinctive squints that accompany smiles hidden behind masks.
- Who knew how much we all relied so much on lip-reading?
- I’m not the only one wondering how wearing face masks will change the shape of our ears.
- Rebuilding Blue River: If the people don’t come back, the people won’t come back.
- Grocery Outlet is the poor man’s Trader Joe’s. Can I get a witness?
- I don’t always know when I’m right. But I usually know when I’m done.
- What is the plural of ottoman?
- I just now got the word play behind Head & Shoulders shampoo.
- Gone are the days of reckless abandon. Welcome to the days of abandoned wrecks.
- Why does curry pizza not exist?
- What happens when the desperate outnumber the poor?
- Something tells me that work-from-home orders and legalized marijuana are a bad mix.
- We have “squish” and “quash,” so do we really need “squash”?
- I’m sorry, but I don’t have any pans that need handling.
- I’m worried that Clarence Thomas might announce his retirement after Election Day, leaving McConnell time before inauguration to replace him on the Supreme Court with a 12-year-old conservative.
- Intentions inhabit your future self.
- On the topic of pets, do you prefer catalysts or dogma — change or lack?
- Have you missed fripperies? They’ve missed you.
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Don Kahle (fridays@dksez.com) writes a column each Friday for The Register-Guard and archives past columns at www.dksez.com.
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