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Fifth Friday Fripperies

January 30th, 2009 by dk

Fifth Friday Footnotes, Follow-ups and Far-Flung Fripperies:

• It seems to me that women are wearing skirts less often in winter, but more men are wearing shorts year round, so it comes out even.
• Who splits split peas?
• Does anything in our heart ever get warmed besides its cockles? I know — it sounds dirty.
• Don’t look now, but television lost even more than newspapers after the election season passed. They lost content, but also advertising. Candidates stopped using newspapers as their prime advertising vehicle decades ago.
• I love alleys.
• I worry that cell phones have made people even worse planners. I’ve promised myself never to use it to apologize that “I’m running late.” I figure if my tardiness deserves an apology, it ought to be offered face-to-face.
• Throw pillows only make me feel crowded and disorganized, but I’m sure it’s just me.
• If the government really wanted to help the American auto industry, wouldn’t it make more sense to give those billions to Toyota so they can buy General Motors?
• Don’t you hate people with a million complaints? I have only two: space and time.
• Does a single letter ever make a bigger difference than between “being humble” and “being humbled”?
• Best bumper sticker I’ve seen lately: “If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.”
• Nobody ever told me that not every suggestion is an instruction. I had to figure it out on my own.
• Why do doctors insert “go ahead” and “for me” into sentences? Some tech support people do it too. “OK, now just go ahead and unplug the device from your computer for me.”
• As newspapers lose dominance, I fear college sports stars get fewer nicknames. This can’t be good.
• Being busy is not the same things as having no spare time. I enjoy the former way more than the latter.
• We’ve been neglecting history for who knows how long.
• I want to be a scarf person.
• Christmas cajoling is like Christmas caroling, but without spellcheck.
• How could our state not be considered reliably pro-choice when our official abbreviation is “OR”?
• If the worn out portions of a sock are all inside my shoe, does it still need replacing?
• I find political labels profoundly unhelpful. I’m liberal when adding salad dressing, but conservative when crossing Willamette Street. Shouldn’t everybody be a mix of both?
• Why do delivery guys prefer shorts? I’m just asking.
• I don’t think I understand Mini-Pet-Mart’s business plan. Do people need to buy dog food in a hurry? Or are there cigarettes and Lotto tickets for pets?
• I know the answer, but why are there no drive-through convenience stores?
• I remember when 7-Elevens were open only from 7:00 until 11:00.
• How many Oregonians have bought a used car because it was described as “pre-owned,” only to learn later that Steve Prefontaine never owned it?
• Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable when a restaurant asks me to “choose a protein?” It sounds so clinical, I’m afraid I’m being tagged to join some future food group myself.
• I don’t know what most of the settings on most of my appliances are for. I’ll bet I’m not alone.
• I miss the Hult Center’s tiddly-wink signage.
• Pencils need larger erasers. All of them.
• Oregon State Treasurer Ben Westlund deserves whatever credit we can give him for the Oregon Cultural Trust.
• If I have to dress for it, I don’t call it success.
• Nike is slowly weaning us off cotton. Compression shirts are lingerie for men, and it’s about time.
• Lost mittens help families in the north identify early those who will be helpless or weak. What’s the southern equivalent of “idiot strings?”
• Latin is what people used until they learned to speak English.
• I don’t miss fender benders, but I do miss fenders that bend. No, I miss both. “Bumper thumper” doesn’t have the same ring to it.
• I hear that parks people are hoping to build a bicycle roundabout in Alton Baker Park, bike traffic has gotten so busy.
• Surely the technology that gave us spiral-cut hams can be used for other good deeds.
In time for Super Bowl Sunday, can we consider the avocado issue settled? Americans prefer Hass above all others.
• Fear-mongering works only when coupled with narcissism. The natural human response to a threat is to huddle together, to circle the wagons, to help one another.
• I knew the economy was worsening when I read a man’s corner cardboard sign: “Will Work for a Light Snack.”


Don Kahle ( writes for The Register-Guard each Friday and throughout the week here. He welcomes comments from readers.

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  • 1 james hill Jan 30, 2009 at 8:37 am

    Just finished reading your offering for Friday Jan.20 ’09 and in my opinion it was A Masterpiece.I must add it to my personal collection of funniest things I have read. You sir must certainly be A fan of Andy Rooney, Of ’60 Minutes’, as am I. Your detour into the hillarious has truly been a delight.

  • 2 Katy Jan 31, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    I especially like that question about whether “OR” implies in favor of alternatives, choices, i.e., pro-choice.