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Downtown is a Cure-All

January 10th, 2006 by dk

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! Step right up! What we have here today is what you call a cure-all. You won’t believe your eyes, but it’s absolutely true. The amazing Connor-Woolley-Opus elixir will cure whatever your complaint for this fine, fair city.

You know these local boys. But in case you don’t, let me tell you part of their story. Young Woolley went to school down the road in Drain. Many of you know his sister or his mom. He’s a local boy. Still buys shoes for comfort, not for looks.

Well, not more than twenty years ago, young Woolley met young Connor. Fair-haired Connor came to town like so many did back then, looking for happiness more than a fortune. I’m here to tell you — right here in this river city he found both. These two met and became partners. Every dime they made here they made together.

Well, they love this place. They really do. But you can’t hold fellows like this down. They went off to see the world. They’ve been all over. You ask folks up in Portland, they know these boys. Seattle and San Francisco, same thing. They’ve done big things.

In their travels, they met up with some folks from the Midwest. They call themselves Opus. But they don’t bring no hocus pocus. They’ve done great things for downtowns just like ours. And now the local boys are back to give us what we need. A strong shot, right down the middle.

Watch what this Connor-Woolley-Opus project will do! Every pain and trouble you ever felt, every little trouble you worried might come, it’ll all melt away. Remember when your biggest problem was that somebody figured out the fountain in the middle of the mall was leakin’? It’ll be like that.

What’s the secret to good health and a long life, you ask? Well, it’s good circulation. You need good circulation to have a good heart. You cleared up those closed streets and that was good, but now somebody’s got to pump that area full of people. Busy people, with reason to move all around. Not workers. Not government. Shoppers. People who won’t stop for long. People who will leave with less money than what they had when they came.

This downtown project includes a movie theater. One thing people move for is to see a picture show. There’s young people downtown right now and you keep wishin’ there was a way to give each and every one of them a ticket. Once this cure-all is in place, they’ll wish they had a ticket too. That’s progress.

I can see by your face you’re wondering what it’ll cost. It’ll cost some, that’s for sure, but it’ll pay back too. And quick. You people this place and they’ll bring their money. Ain’t no fun carrying money. Fun is in spending it. Once those folks start spending, there’ll be jobs galore just collecting all that money. Those people with jobs will gladly pay taxes, which will then pay to fix the roads all over this place.

You people might not need to use those roads so much someday soon. Thanks to the Connor-Woolley-Opus project, everybody who’s anybody will be heading to the same place, downtown. That’ll help fill up those fancy new train-busses you’re getting ready to have. Once there’s enough downtown, people will stop driving all over tarnation to get what they need.

People right now plop themselves down wherever it’s cheapest, and who can blame them? If the edge of town gives me a two-car garage for the same price as a carport near the center of the city — but ain’t nothin’ happenin’ in the center — what fool wouldn’t take the extra space for the same money? Once you get the heart pumping all healthy and all, there’s people who will want to be there all the time.

Those boys in the holler out Veneta-way, they’re building houses as fast as you can throw sticks on a fire. They’ll want a quick way to get downtown once you got it shipshape. But it won’t be the old road you were planning for, one to help everybody out by the coast to get here and gone lickety-split. It’ll be a road to get them to the middle of downtown, for a movie and a dinner and some shopping. That’s a whole different kettle of fish, ya gotta admit.

People all around town been talkin’ to one another about schools, and whether the good ones are just gettin’ better and leavin’ the bad ones to stink. That’ll happen in a town when there’s nothing but your neighborhood to make life grand. But when the center has a pulse, people don’t stay put as much, or at least not because they have to. Good people start moving to a place with bad schools because it’s close to downtown. Then those good people make the bad better. It’s all perfectly natural.

You take this little bit of medicine, and then just let nature take its course. I know it sounds too good to be true, but there ain’t much you got to lose.

These boys want to do good. They brung this magical elixir back and they brung these Opus folks to make sure it’ll work. It’ll fix everything that’s wrong, but they need your help. You gotta open the bottle.

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